2017 – Bipolar Management

Well it’s 2017 and I’ve been managing my disorder so much better over the last year. I’m proud to say that I’ve been constant on my medications for a year now. I’ve only had maybe 2-4 relaspses, but I pushed through them and worked it out. So hopefully, this year, I’ll do better about blogging. I mean I am paying for this site you know, so I might as well put my money to good use.

I also have to say that I have been keeping myself busy with work, although I’m about ready to retire, but not ready to not have anything to do with my days. So we’ll see what that lands me.

But for the most part when not working, I have been keeping busy by cataloging my entire movie collection. I’ve got an expansive collection that ranges over 1000+ movies, dvd series, etc. I’m putting everything onto a hard drive, and uploading into my itunes, complete with movie posters, and descriptions. B/c to be honest, I have no idea what half my movies are about, even though I’ve watched 82% of them. Right now, my biggest part will be doing all 15 seasons of E.R., and 7 seasons of Sons of Anarchy. Yeah, that’s a lot, but luckily, I have 4 cd rom drives on my computer, so it goes pretty fast.

Well…for the bipolar part…I’m still on Celexa for my antidepressant and Topamax for my mood-stabilizer. Haven’t noticed any weight gain, which is good. My appetite has been pretty steady. I’ve added in some biotin to help my locs grow, and haven’t seen much of a difference or any side effects with my medications either. So I have to say, so far so good.

I’ve also become more free with discussing my disorder with people. They are understanding more and more, so it’s not like people are freaking out like they used to. But I figure as long as I’m medicated, they will be okay.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | Leave a comment

Birthday Woes

Whelp another year down….another year I survived. I really started to think I wouldn’t make it this year. I had been going through some legal troubles (well not really, because I knew the case against me would get thrown out and it did because it was based on lies). So i started stressing out wondering..what if the judge rules in her favor…what then??

So stress led to me cutting people off for the sake of the case. In doing that, i got depressed again. Then my birthday on top of it all, made me feel even more depressed.

Well cutting folks off probably wasn’t a good idea, but for the sake of my case, I had to keep everyone at an arms length, if not more. I couldn’t let it on with what I was about to do. Just like when I took the car…no one had any clue to what I was doing. Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Death is near

It’s 5 am, the pain I feel is overwhelming but I’m going to suffer through it. 

Surgery was a couple days ago, and I have to say real true friends don’t ask what can I do, they just show up and do it. They don’t sit back and wait on you to finally let your pride down, they pick up the phone, they call, they drop by unannounced. 

I’ve had one person do that, and she lives 3 hours away. Calls twice a day to make sure I’m still alive. Got folks who like 10 mins away that don’t even bother. But I guess when I’m 6 feet under they may care then. But probably not. 

Life just isn’t winning at this moment. The pain, the agony, the defeat. Feels like it’s all slipping away. 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I have determined…

I have been depressed a bit lately. I know its due to my meds, I don’t know what the problem is. But nothing appears to be working in my mind. I have been thinking more and more about death. I keep looking at the tattoo on my arm and the tick marks. The 13 tick marks, the 13 attempts and I think when will the 14th be added.

Many have told me, that I better not add another tick, but then i’m also looking around like … where are you to stop me from doing so?

Continue reading

Posted in Bi-Polar | Leave a comment

Predicting the Future

I wish that I could actually predict the future. But then truthfully, who would want to be able to know everything that could happen. You would know all the good and the bad. If you could not change the future, you have to deal with the consequences of knowing.

I say this because I was asked this question the other day by someone. She said, if you could know the future, but not be able to change it, would you want to?

My response…yes. It would then give me more time to spend with my loved ones. I would be able to know when they would “perish,” so then I would be better equipped to say my goodbye’s. It would cut down on the grieving process because I would be prepared for it. I say that because had I known that my best friend was going to die, I would have made that trip to see him like we had planned. Instead of me not calling him, and canceling at the last minute to not go.  I would have taken more photos with him, we would have enjoyed more time together. I would have made sure he came to see me graduate. There are so many more things I would have done differently.

I would probably not be such a recluse and I would go out more often with people and make my way on trips that I know I should go on, but b/c I’m such an introvert, I’m always canceling. but i would make sure that I find time to be with my friends. Life is too short you know.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment