Bipolar Bear Thoughts

What are the signs of a toxic relationship? I just don’t know. There are so many out there, but I just don’t know or care to bother explaining. I know the last time I went into a depression someone was explaining to me how someone else broke things down to them just how toxic they were to me. In return they asked me if I felt the same way. In short, I did. 

We were together, they decided to up and just end it one day. I went along with it because I had no fight in the game. They weren’t willing to fight for what we had, they just woke up that morning and it was like they gave up on everything that had been transpiring over the previous couple of months. Like it meant nothing. So why I have fought for it, they weren’t willing. I was in love though. A goner. But yet this person expected me to just automatically turn my feelings off like a light switch and go from being in love to just bring friends that same day. To act as if the months that had happened never happened. Like they were acting. It wasn’t that simple for me. We went on to be FWB. I thought I could handle it, I fell more in love. They didn’t. My emotions got the best of me. At the end of it all before they left, I professed my love one last time and basically got shot in the face. I was devastated. Depressed. Three weeks went by before I could bring myself to realize it was for the best and that I allowed myself to get caught up in my own emotions for nothing, that I dreamed up this imaginary scenario where life worked out. At that point I did what I had to do to get over this person. I started to hate them. 

Yes hate is a strong word, but it was the only way for me to heal myself. So I hated them. Every time I talked to them, I saw red. I kept conversations short, b/c the sound of their voice just pissed me off. I avoided talking to them as much as possible b/c I had so much anger in me towards them. Then I started looking in the mirror. I had anger towards myself. The hate I had for them, made me hate myself. I hated who I had become. I was spiteful. I was angry all the time to everyone. I disconnected from the world, I started drinking. I was a mess. Yet I still wanted to be this persons friend. No logical reason other than I need them in my life. 

Everyone is telling me to cut my losses and let the deadweight go, that they are no good for my mental health. I could see they were right, but I still persisted. I stayed the course. Kept on poisoning myself. Eventually I got to a point where I wasn’t angry as much, where I didn’t hate as much. Where I had calming skies in my world. I wasn’t depressed. 

But then the brought up the topic of them being toxic, and it brought back so many memories of how much hurt they caused. The anger I had in me, it made me depressed again. I started drinking again. I started to hate them again. They just didn’t get it. 

I told them I was feeling depressed and I would speak to them whenever. Which I knew I had had a convo before with them that when I tell you I’m depressed that means I want or I tend to isolate myself. From everyone, the world. I’ll reach out when I feel the need, so no calls, no text, no nothing…and if you do, don’t expect an answer. Not less the 20 hours later I got a call like I hadn’t said anything.

In my mind I’m thinking…what in the entire fuck??? Were you not listening to me any of those times I spoke? Guess not cause here you are calling. But when I brought it up, they tried to spin the story around about communicating to each other. No, listening to each other!!! 

So I said right then and there, listen closely this is my warning to you. If I say I’m depressed it means I want no contact with you. I will contact you when I feel better. Not when you feel the need to talk, but when I feel the need to talk or when I’m coming out of my depression. https://googleads.g.doubleclick.net/pagead/ads?client=ca-pub-000000000000000&output=html&h=280&adk=1425704124&adf=1006961426&w=336&lmt=1631448806&channel=0000000000&ad_type=text_image&format=336x280_as&color_bg=A2AB2B&color_border=E3FA11&color_link=FFFFFF&color_text=000000&color_url=FFFFFF&url=http%3A%2F%2Fpimpavellie.com%2Ftoxic%2F&flash=0&alt_color=FFFFFF&wgl=1&dt=1631448806182&bpp=5&bdt=468&idt=40&shv=r20210908&mjsv=m202109080101&ptt=5&saldr=sa&abxe=1&prev_fmts=336x280_as&correlator=1609624051857&pv_ch=0000000000%2B&frm=20&pv=1&ga_vid=1174230022.1631448806&ga_sid=1631448806&ga_hid=1322671265&ga_fc=0&u_tz=-240&u_his=10&u_java=0&u_h=1366&u_w=1024&u_ah=1024&u_aw=1366&u_cd=32&u_nplug=0&u_nmime=0&adx=484&ady=2090&biw=1366&bih=905&scr_x=0&scr_y=0&eid=182982000%2C182982200%2C31062519%2C44750532%2C31062491%2C44749371%2C31062297&oid=3&pvsid=4085223091236990&pem=519&ref=http%3A%2F%2Fpimpavellie.com%2F&eae=0&fc=640&brdim=0%2C0%2C0%2C0%2C1366%2C0%2C1366%2C1024%2C1366%2C905&vis=1&rsz=%7C%7CleEbr%7C&abl=CS&pfx=0&fu=0&bc=31&ifi=2&uci=a!2&btvi=1&fsb=1&xpc=pkBG5CILbS&p=http%3A//pimpavellie.com&dtd=43

So then something happens to them, and I’m all about being sympathetic to their needs, so my depression can’t be depressed anymore b/c I gotta be strong for them. Fuck that all that anger I had built up and talking about their toxic traits were triggering as fuck for me. I had to push my shit back to be there for them. So About two weeks. 

Burin those two weeks I learned what people go through when I isolate myself. So yeah I gotta do better, but I just don’t want to express myself to the one thing that is triggering me right now. I’m a mess. 

So I’m trying to keep my mind occupied, my body active, I stopped looking online for them, I hid their activity for a few days so when I do go online it’s not right in my face and I’m not tempted to get sucked down the rabbit hole. 

Bonus is b/c of the hate, I’m not in love with them anymore. I don’t know what my feelings are towards them anymore at this point. I care deeply. But love, psst, that train has sailed. I’m not gonna be made a fool of twice. They said to me that they’ll never see me as more than a friend. And that’s something I remind myself of when the thought of loving anyone comes to my mind. That I could never be anything more that just a fucking friend. What a way to crush someone’s heart and damage them for good. A fucking friend. At times when I say that to myself to remind myself of who I’m dealing with, I wish I had never met them occasionally and how my life would be different. I wouldn’t be in some online groups, wouldn’t have taken some trips, probably wouldn’t be planning certain trips, or travel in the future, sex life would be mediocre as hell, still would be getting unsatisfactory sex but thinking it was good, but I’d be content with my life. No forms of toxic near.

Now that they are better, my depression is back. I told them I’m depressed. So you would think they’d remember my big speech from when they wanted me to communicate with them. B/c I plainly said that was my only warning. Nope, here come these toxic traits again 3 days of no contact. “Guess you don’t want to talk to me” **sigh** didn’t I say I self isolate? And I’d talk to you when I felt like it? Don’t get hostile. Shit had I killed myself the other night, like I had really wanted too, you’d be texting a corpse right now. 

But I let the tears haul me off to sleep. And tonight, I’m just angry!!!! B/c my depression isn’t being respected. I said I was depressed, I self isolate for space, I’m not getting space if you keep cracking the door open. 

This is a part of the toxicity. This is making matters worse, not better. You’re doing more harm than good. You aren’t fixing things, you’ve been breaking more than you think. 

Now, I’m going to bed finally. No tears tonight, not feeling like a clown. Just praying I can stay sleep through the night for the first time in who knows how long. I just want to sleep all night long and when I open my eyes, it be morning and not the middle of the night still. 

Fuck depression

So I’ve figured out that the one person whom I so desperately want to make this “friendship” work with has probably met someone new, hence their lack of attention in our talks recently. Which now that I look back on it, isn’t really a surprise b/c I’ve only ever had their full attention when we were either 1. Fucking 2. Watching a movie (barely) 3. Talking face-to-face otherwise they were always in their phone. While me, if we were on the phone, it would be on speaker and I’d be there, background noise but I’m there for the convo, or in person, the phone is no where around or on a table but not in my hands. I’m giving you my undivided attention.

So in the short end, I wonder where does this leave things right now? Or even in the future? My prediction. . . . . They will grow tired of me. They’ll get so engrossed in this new person, they will gradually fade to black on me. Our talks/communication will become less and less. I predict by the end of the year they will write off our friendship completely. Which is gonna be odd b/c we’ve paid into a trip for next year together. So do I cancel that now and just get our money back? Because I could cancel her portion and go on the trip by myself. Of course it’ll be like every other trip I’ve been on, I’ll be the third wheel. I’ll try to have fun but in the long run, I’ll be on vacation but I’ll still be depressed b/c I’m a fucking third damn wheel. Who gets depressed on a vacation..me that’s who.

The trip is literally a whole year away and some change, I don’t want to be stuck holding the bag at the end. I also don’t want to room with someone that I’m no longer friends with..awkward!! **sigh** what to do?

I thought we were in a good place that they would tell me they met someone. I mean hell I would say if I met someone. Not that I’m looking. But I would. But I guess we’re not the same. I guess these dynamics of this friendship are not what I’m being led to believe they are. B/c shit sure looks different on my side of the road.

Now I’m up at almost midnight blogging my thoughts b/c I can’t sleep. B/c I’m going through some mess, b/c I’m depressed. B/c I feel like putting a bullet through my skull. I just want to sleep and I can’t. Like I’m laying here waiting for death to come get me so I can be at peace. So I can be put out of my misery, so I can stop thinking. So my brain will shut off finally. But it just won’t stop. Instead I just lay here and the words they keep flowing. I reach out and trace the hard plastic edge of the case that shutters the heavy cold metal of the 9 mm that can end my misery. I think of how long it would take for anyone to notice I’m gone. How long would my body be in my bed, with dried blood and brain matter everywhere before people start to realize that they haven’t spoken to me in days. Before anyone comes and checks on me to open the house up and smells my decaying body, notices that the cat has run out of good and water, that my social media presence has gone silent. Will people think I’m just taking a break? That I’m on my secluded trip again? Should I leave a note that says if you haven’t seen or heard from me in three days come by and make sure I’m alive? Would anyone take it seriously? Probably not. I could go missing for a week and no one would bat a fucking eye. That’s how invisible I am to people. Some will read this later and go oh I wish I had known, I would have done something more. Or I would have went by more often, or called more, or texted more, or woulda coulda shoulda….but it’s too late. I’ve put the metal away. Today isn’t the day. I don’t know when will be the day, but it will be soon. I’ve got to really get my affairs in order. Ensure the kid is taken care of after I’m gone. B/c the thing I need the most right now, I can’t even fucking get. A damn solid ass hug so I can cry into someone’s arms. So instead I cry into the barrel as it lays next to me on the pillow with the magazine in my hand that has a death grip around it. Sorry death, we won’t be seeing each other tonight. I’m just gonna rock myself to sleep. Meditate do some breathing exercises, whatever the fuck I can to stop the noise in my head. It sounds like a powerful locomotive and I’m laying on the tracks as it comes full steam ahead at me. No ear plugs. Fuck I hate my life. I wish I had the strength to just put myself out of this pain right now. But my fingers shake and quiver each time I put the magazine in. I’ve been battling this for what seems like forever now. Holding my stuffed dog tightly with one arm that isn’t shaking, the other as ratty as an old man trying to find his way across a boat in the middle of a hurricane. I want to look deathin the face and say I’m ready to meet you. I’ve been ready for over twenty years, but I keep failing at every attempt to crossover. I could try tonight but it’d be my luck, I’d shake so bad that I’d miss my brain and hit the wall. Fuxk me!!

Well the star of the show is back. For the last two or so weeks I’ve been holding it together b/c I felt like someone needed me to be strong for them. Well I’ve since talked to them and they don’t sound as depressed as they did the week prior, so I feel like I don’t have to be as strong as I was trying to be for them any longer. Now I can go back to being just dumpy old me.

And in doing this, the bout of depression that I put off to deal with said friend has made a reappearance. Which sucks b/c this was a really great weekend. Saw a friend I haven’t seen in a year, saw another friend I haven’t seen in almost two years, got my backyard all cleaned up for some cheap labor, even started the process of trying to fix my pressure washer. Was even gonna make a trip to see another buddy I haven’t seen in like 4 years. But I never left the house today to see that friend. I didn’t even take my meds. All I wanted to do was sleep. I didn’t even workout until 2 pm. Normally I get it done early on the weekends. But nope, had zero energy to get it done today. Just sat on the couch and watched tv all day. Went to the gas station and got some movies, to Walmart to get a mop and OJ, and that was it. No energy whatsoever. I can’t get motivated to workout like was for the month of August. I was going hard in the paint, every day, nonstop, then depression happened and I lost it all. I sought out help to drop some weight via weight loss pills and got told it’s a no-go b/c of the other pills I’m on, and just took an even lower blow to my motivation train. I look at my bike and want to ride but the will isn’t there.

I think I finally get the frustration people have with me when I go through when I’m in my depressive episodes. How they want to help me so much, but my need to isolate myself and shut the world out is so much greater they feel helpless. Like the need to want to help is so great but if I don’t allow them to help then they feel useless.

Right now I feel useless b/c I know someone is hurting. I know b/c I heard the same pain in their voice that I’ve often portrayed in my own the last time I spoke to them. I know I can only do so much and it’s up to them to reach out when they are ready for help, and I can only sit back and wait for that moment. But this waiting game is hard b/c I just want to wrap my arms around them and tell them that it’s okay to cry. Hell that’s what I would love for someone to do for me. Just come to me a lot of times, wrap their arms around me tightly and just let me cry b/c the build up of the depression is too great and when it finally does come out I’m a bigger mess than when I started being depressed.

So I’ve been doing what people do to me, reaching out to this person and letting them know that when they are ready to talk that I’m here. But also reinforcing the idea while they feel like this that they should talk to someone, anyone and get these feelings/emotions out before it builds up to be too great and explode on them.

It’s been almost a week since I spoke to them last. For this person and myself that is highly unusual. We normally talk everyday. And when I say everyday, I mean every single day. Whether it be by numerous text, voice messages, video chat, or phone calls, we chat. But this week has been filled with me reaching out and dead silence on their end. It’s unnerving. Is this how people feel when they reach out to me and I don’t respond back? I hate to think I make people this way. I don’t like this feeling. I feel completely lost with my feelings. Like I don’t know how to help this person and I’m stuck. Like I want to scream “what do you want from me” and I’m in a tunnel but I’m only getting further and further away from them instead of closer. It’s agonizing.

To make matters worse b/c I’m such a caring person, I immediately came out of my depression, to care for their emotions and put my own feelings and depression on the backburner to let them know that I’m here b/c I know what it’s like to be depressed. To not have that immediate support to feel like everything is going wrong all at once. So I didn’t allow myself to remain depressed any more, I had to suck that shit up to be strong for them. I can’t be depressed and they be depressed too. We can’t help each other if we’re both crying because our lives suck.

So we’ll see how this turns out. When they return to reality, I can resume my depressed episode. Maybe I won’t need to. Perhaps this was what I needed to get over it. Someone else’s crisis to deal with.

Have you ever been so in love with someone that the only way to get over them was to fill yourself with so much hate and anguish that every time you thought of them it just made you so mad that you ever had feelings for them? That anytime you ever felt like those feelings were creeping back, you had to remind yourself that they were no good for you and you get mad and angry all over again and bury the feelings again. That you stomp on them until they are black and blue treating them like they have a life long prison sentence in a jail cell built of brick at the back of your mind never to be let out, not even on good behavior because the moment it ever sees the light of day, or breaks free of it’s cell…they will most likely come flooding back like hurricane Katrina did New Orleans and no dam built will hold it back. So you depend on this hate and anger to flow through you, to protect you, to save you from getting hurt. It guards your heart, your emotions, your feelings. But it also prevents you from letting anyone else in. B/c you don’t want to be overwhelmed with the same feelings ever again to be let down, to be told you’re not worthy, that you just aren’t the one, that you’ll never be more than a friend, that it’s me not you.

So you stir up the flames of hate, stroke the wood of anger, throw a few more logs of discontent onto the fire, and see what kind of burning evil you can get to pulse through your veins where love once ran. You look in the mirror and wonder did those words you hear become the reason that your once warm blood flow turn ice cold? Were they the reason why you suddenly just don’t give a fuxk most of the time? You feel as though you could live in Antarctica with how cold your heart has become towards the emotion called love.