I think I finally get the frustration people have with me when I go through when I’m in my depressive episodes. How they want to help me so much, but my need to isolate myself and shut the world out is so much greater they feel helpless. Like the need to want to help is so great but if I don’t allow them to help then they feel useless.
Right now I feel useless b/c I know someone is hurting. I know b/c I heard the same pain in their voice that I’ve often portrayed in my own the last time I spoke to them. I know I can only do so much and it’s up to them to reach out when they are ready for help, and I can only sit back and wait for that moment. But this waiting game is hard b/c I just want to wrap my arms around them and tell them that it’s okay to cry. Hell that’s what I would love for someone to do for me. Just come to me a lot of times, wrap their arms around me tightly and just let me cry b/c the build up of the depression is too great and when it finally does come out I’m a bigger mess than when I started being depressed.
So I’ve been doing what people do to me, reaching out to this person and letting them know that when they are ready to talk that I’m here. But also reinforcing the idea while they feel like this that they should talk to someone, anyone and get these feelings/emotions out before it builds up to be too great and explode on them.
It’s been almost a week since I spoke to them last. For this person and myself that is highly unusual. We normally talk everyday. And when I say everyday, I mean every single day. Whether it be by numerous text, voice messages, video chat, or phone calls, we chat. But this week has been filled with me reaching out and dead silence on their end. It’s unnerving. Is this how people feel when they reach out to me and I don’t respond back? I hate to think I make people this way. I don’t like this feeling. I feel completely lost with my feelings. Like I don’t know how to help this person and I’m stuck. Like I want to scream “what do you want from me” and I’m in a tunnel but I’m only getting further and further away from them instead of closer. It’s agonizing.
To make matters worse b/c I’m such a caring person, I immediately came out of my depression, to care for their emotions and put my own feelings and depression on the backburner to let them know that I’m here b/c I know what it’s like to be depressed. To not have that immediate support to feel like everything is going wrong all at once. So I didn’t allow myself to remain depressed any more, I had to suck that shit up to be strong for them. I can’t be depressed and they be depressed too. We can’t help each other if we’re both crying because our lives suck.
So we’ll see how this turns out. When they return to reality, I can resume my depressed episode. Maybe I won’t need to. Perhaps this was what I needed to get over it. Someone else’s crisis to deal with.