Bipolar Bear Thoughts

Coming back soon

Bipolar….what’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear that term??

I’ll tell you what is most likely to be thought and heard…I’ll go based off what I thought when I first heard it many years ago before I was diagnosed.

• Crazy
• Deranged
• Psycho
• Nuts
• Looney
• Not someone I want to date
• Belong in a crazy house
• Padded walls
• Full of meds
• Not someone I want to deal with
• Up and down mood swings
• Doctors
• Suicidal
• Cutter
• Depressed
• Manic
• Broke
• Liar

You get the idea right…well now that I’ve been diagnosed and have been dealing with this for about 15-ish years…here is what I hear now when it comes through my ear canals:

• A call for help
• Someone who wants help and has most likely sought it
• Someone who is under the medical care of a doctor
• Mood swings, but under control
• Medicated but stable
• Someone who understands me
• Depression or manic episodes but aware of the triggers
• Not needing to be locked up, but a few close friends
• Good doctors that understand and want to help

You see, I’m the second group of words. I was never the first group. When I first heard the term bipolar, it was in reference to my mother. I use that term lightly, bc in my mind, I don’t really have one physically. I have adopted mothers. But the one who allowed me to utilize her uterus for 9 months, had mental health issues. Her family had mental health issues. They passed those to me. They passed them through our genes, so it has touched a bit of everyone in the family.   Continue reading →

Hey folks .. It’s been a while since the Bipolar Bear has written you. I’ve been consistently on my meds for a minute.  I’ve actually been put onto a pill, Topimax. It’s been helping a bit. I’ve had some up and down days.  Been trying to keep stable, a lot of stress isn’t helping though.  I had some changes in the last few months.  Work got very VERY VERY stressful, I felt like i was relapsing, but i treaded the water I found myself drowning in.

It feels right now that every time i get a foot forward, life kicks me a few feet back. I was on my way to getting closer to getting the things I needed from the VA, but once again, my doctor who was willing to work with me..is gone.  So another restart. I have no idea where I’m going to go.

Amy E. Bleuel from Project Semicolon

By Sarah Schuster

Staff

Mental Illness

03/29/17

Amy Bleuel, known in the mental health community as the person behind the popular semicolon tattoo, passed away on Thursday, March 23 at the age of 31, Project Semicolon confirmed to The Mighty on Wednesday.

Update March 30 8:45 a.m. PST: The Mighty has confirmed Amy died by suicide. Please when reporting on this story, refer to Recommendations for Reporting on Suicide. For whoever needs help right now, you can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.3048

If you see a semicolon as more than just punctuation, you probably know Amy. Her movement, called Project Semicolon, is a global nonprofit dedicated to presenting hope and love for those who are struggling with mental illness, suicide, addiction and self-injury.

She told The Mighty in 2015, “In literature, an author uses a semicolon to not end a sentence but to continue on. We see it as you are the author and your life is the sentence. You’re choosing to keep going.”

The semicolon manifested in both drawings and tattoos and quickly became a sign of hope for those who struggled with self-harm and suicidal thoughts.
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This makes me feel sad. Two years ago I got my semi-colon tattoo. I felt like my life still had meaning. I also got the number of attempts tattoo’d beneath it.  I wanted a reminder to tell myself that I had tried and failed.  I also got the words “I’m still here” to signify that while I’ve tried, I’m still here among the living.

She may have lost her battle with this invisible disease, but I’m struggling with mine. Each day is a new battle, but I’m facing it head first. I’ve had a rough last couple weeks. Found out I may have to have surgery again on my sinuses, may have to have my tonsils taken out along with the nose surgery. Then I found out that a procedure that I’ve been wanting for a while won’t be covered by my insurance so that was heart breaking. So needless to say, the last few weeks haven’t been all that friendly and nice to me.

But on another note, I’m on some new meds. So we all know that it takes at least 3-6 months to see the effects. So it’s only been two months, so I’m hoping I feel good and somewhat better soon.

In honor of Amy, my tattoo:

So this past weekend I spent it with a very dear friend. We dated many many many moons ago, and I was a dirtbag to her. I treated her so bad while we were together and my illness is mostly responsible.

I remember being so hardheaded and stubborn to accept my diagnosis, that I did a lot of shit out of spite. She never did anything to me to deserve it, but me being evil, unmedicated, unstable, and just an all-around asshole took everything in my life out on her.

During the weekend, we got to talking about the future and what we felt was holding us both back from happiness. Hearing her words, made me realize that I had yet to apologize. I let her finish, then I broke down and did something I should have done ten if not more years ago.

I really wasn’t a good person back then. I was all about what could be done for me. My manic episodes were very real, but I didn’t know what they were. I put the blame on her when all she ever tried to do was love me. When things didn’t go my way, I would flip. Luckily, my manic side never got physical. I’m sure it could have, but the rational side of me could never see me hurting her in that manner. Continue reading →