Well I didn’t write for a while. I’m on my vacation. I fucked up. Those dates I was supposed to have…didn’t have them. My disorder showed it’s face and she put some serious miles between us.
I figured id just make things better for us and just stop trying. I’ve got a blog or two that I wrote through twitter I need to put on here.
I had a breakthrough sort of while I was at the airport. I talked to the crisis counselor while I was waiting for my flight. I told her about what happened. (See blog titled “nightmares”) and she talked me down.
A few days ago I chose to do what is gonna be a bad thing in the long run but good for me I think and severed another friendship. I don’t know how it’s a good thing but in my head it’s right. I’m on a tipping point in my life. Like I could seriously go back to DC and slit my wrist and bleed out. Like if I was to finish the job then I wouldn’t feel bad about it. I know there are a few people who would care, but I’m not really sure it would effect that many.
The thoughts are more and more frequent. It’s like they are taking over my mind and consuming me. So in my head if I push everyone away then no one will be sad when it actually happens right?