I just woke from a dream and it’s fresh on my mind. I was hanging out with some friends chilling like we always do.
Then I told them I had to go, there were things I needed to finish at home. They bid me farewell and I hopped on the metro and headed back to my place. There were a few strange faces on the metro looking my direction but I put my head down and walked to my car. I got home and started watching tv. I felt myself getting sad, then I went out on the balcony and cried. From the outside I’m hovering over myself watching this matter take place. I watched myself go into the house and reach under the mattress and pulled a pistol out. I watched myself load a single bullet in the chamber and walked out to the balcony and sat there. Toby was by my side.
I reached down and patted his head, and placed the pistol on the table. He jumped in my lap and purred. I held him close and told him that I loved him and I didn’t want him to see me like this anymore. He didn’t need to see the struggle my life had become. I talked more to him about how I was feeling and how much i loved him and how i would always be there for him. i then told him that his daddy would take care of him and that he would forever be the reminder to him of all the good times we used to have. i watched myself cry as i held him against my chest, kissing his head and stroking his ears as his tail wrapped itself around my arm. i saw him nudge my face with his nose giving me kisses, as if he knew what i was about to do. he wrapped his paws around my shoulder, giving me one last hug. i kissed him one more time, then i put him down and watched him shashay into the apartment.
i sat in my second chair wondering what i was going to do. i saw as i picked up my phone and called toby’s dad and told him what was about to happen. i could hear his voice on the other line saying don’t do anything i’m on my way. i put the phone down and and closed the door. toby sat at the door and watched me, i watched me.
what seemed like hours, but was only maybe 5 minutes passed, then i picked up the gun, checked the chamber again, looked down to see if my neighbor’s light was on, then i sat back in the chair. i took one last instagram photo of the gun, but never posted it. i deleted it, and instead took a photo of my hand in the peace sign, and posted it with the words “it was nice….i tried…i attempted to live a normal life…i failed” i went inside and grabbed my medication and came back out, leaving toby inside. i took a couple pills, and swallowed a big gulp of water. i wrote down some things on a pad, and left it for toby’s dad. so that after i was gone, they could access my computer and let everyone know what i had done.
i looked at the time, it was close to the time that he would have appeared. i watched myself sit down and put the gun in my mouth, angled to ensure it severed my brain and nerves and pulled the trigger. i jumped out the chair and attempted to close the hole in the back of my skull, but i was only a figment of my own imagination. i watched as my head slumped forward, and my neighbor began banging on my door. i wanted to let him in, but i couldn’t grab anything, i was just a witness floating. suddenly the door opened and toby’s daddy came rushing in. he and my neighbor looked around my place for me, and then they found me. he cried, i cried, but i was gone. suddenly the apartment was filled with cops, ems, coroners. neighbors who i had never said more than two words to, were crying and looking. police tape was posted across my door and they took my body out in a bag. toby went with his father, who made the slow journey back to his place. he was pissed at me as his rightly should have been. he took the paper i wrote to him and my phone. he used my passcode and began to make calls. i was with him, and i felt bad that i put it all on his shoulders to make those calls. but in my mind i knew that i was free. i was finally free because i no longer had the demons, the voices, the disorder.
i watched him for the next few days. he was a mess. everyone that didn’t care when i showed the symptoms all of a sudden started calling, and showing up. they ruled my death a suicide and my body was released to my sister. they had found a blog post that said how i wanted to be disposed of. my body was cremated, my ashes were buried in Arlington
i saw my funeral. i was floating about the world without knowing what was to become of me. i saw the whole process. the autopsy, the crime scene report, the next day from my co-workers as they found out what i had done. i was just a ghost, but i cried. i felt the tears rolling down my face.
i stood at my coffin, i looked down at my face, it still looked the same. the back was missing, but the front looked the same. i looked so peaceful. no more worries about what the future held. no more voices, no more thoughts of death. i was already dead. i had relieved myself of the problem i had, my disorder could no longer haunt me. . i was free.
but then i looked out into the crowd of people who came to watch me be put to rest. my sister, my extended friends from afar, my best friends that i had left. not the people who i expected to be there though. a few others did show up. some that i didn’t think would. they all cried, afterwards they talked. one question that was asked constantly was did you ever see it coming? i never thought she would do it. but the fact remained was that…everyone saw it coming. years of darkness that hovered above me and shadowed my life. it was there. the symptoms, the therapy, the pysch doctors, the pills, everything but hospitalization. maybe that’s what i need…to be locked up, to have pills shoved at me 3 times a day.
just as they were about to put my body into the cremation machine….is when i woke up. sweaty, breathing heavy…scared out of my mind. i see it happening…i want it to happen. but i don’t want to do it myself. i’d rather be killed at the hands of someone else.