So last night i finally got the nerve to put up the nightmare i had last week. It hurt to sit and finish the post i had started last week. I had to dredge up the memory of it all and relive it as if it was just happening once again. I was half way through the post before the tears started welling up in my eyes.
but i finished the post and then i handed my laptop to my bestie. you see i’m still on vacation here in california. and while this was supposed to be a week of pure relaxation, i was constantly reminded of why i’m alone in the dc area. i’m a very hard person to get to know.
so after reading the post, my bestie came and sat on my lap. she wrapped her arms around me and held me. all i could do was cry. she asked if i still felt the same way and i really couldn’t answer. i just cried and avoided eye contact with her. i didn’t want her to see the sadness in my face. i was glad it was damn near 11 pm, it was dark in the living room and the only light was that from the tv glaring on us. though i didn’t it to, but the therapist came out of her. she held my hand and spoke softly to me. she listened to me through the mumbles and through the sobs of tears.
so about 2 am, i set my phone to send out a series of text messages to a few people that i feel like its best to just cut loose. with this site address so that they can see its for the best that i just be alone. this way, whenever i do lose it completely and carry out the wishes of the voices in my head…they won’t miss me much. i won’t give them time to get close enough to miss me, much less care. but for those who have been around for a while…i wish i could make it easy for them. but then again, death is never easy.
what i am dreading though is passing the link along to my baby daddy. at some point i’m going to have to explain to him that he’s all i got. i thought about it on my walk today and i realized that if i get this job, he’s the only person i can call on to help me move. i mean for real, i dont know of anyone else i can call and say…hey i’m about to start packing my stuff, can you help me come load up the uhaul? i doubt that anyone else would come. i’ve already deleted a few numbers out of my phone. its for the best i keep telling myself. no need to dwell on the what could have beens, or the what ifs.
i’m bipolar, my mood swings are more than what anyone wants to deal with. so i guess i best get myself back in shape so i can prepare to lift my dressers into the uhaul. when i get back to nc, i might have one or two…maybe four people to help me unload.
i just need this call to come a lot sooner than it is currently doing. i’m ready to leave the current state of dc behind me. its been a headache thus far. started off great, but in the last month has become a downfall for me.
i’m going to leave it right here for the time being. i’m not limited to what i can write…i’ll just make another post.