Bipolar Bear Thoughts

Well its been some time since i blogged about my disorder….maybe because so much has happened since the last time i was able to sit down and focus.

Well first things first…i’m on a new dosage. Which shouldn’t be a surprise. but i am.

So the last time i posted was on july 27th. It is now august 24th. So much has happened that has thrown my emotions in a serious wack/slack/off-track.

Well that was the weekend before my birthday. i turned 35 the next week. I decided to go home and visit. I needed to collect a few things for my apt. I found out that my ex had another person living in my house. i told her i didn’t want her best friend there. everything about the chick was wrong, and she’s involved in some crazy shyt that could cost me my job. she was supposed to take her home that weekend and drop her in atlanta…but come monday morning, i found out she never had any intentions of doing so.

so my alert status was on high. i was feeling out of it, but still trying to remain in control of my situation. i was lost. Continue reading →

This is only part 1 of ??? To my constant update.

I saw my psych doctor last week. She encouraged me to get rid of my stress. Said it would be taxing on my lifeline if I continued to keep it. So I did.

It was an internal struggle to do so, but I did what I had to do. I got tired of the arguments, the battle for control, the fights about finances while her belief was that money grew in trees.

She’ll probably read this then send it to all her friends. Who are all some great people but the fact is they weren’t in our relationship. They only knew her side of the story, when the fact is…there is her side, my side and the truth. I have nothing to lose by telling the truth. She on the other hand has everything to lose.

Her people say they are to take care if her…well I’m just feeling like good. I think for me…I started to fall out of love with her right after the engagement. We had these grand plans…she would re-up and I’d finish school. She’d get stationed somewhere new and I’d be a military spouse. But somewhere between saying yes and the service she forgot about those promises. The fairytale ended. She became so relaxed that she just stopped trying. She’ll say she tried but she stopped being the woman I fell in love with. Her hopes and dreams dashed at the mention of a medical discharge. No fight in her at all. To me it seemed like she said screw it…my future wife is going to be an accountant making all this money so I won’t bother trying. I’ll be a stay at home wife. Well umm no. Truthfully…she kinda sucked at that job. I know not a single person who uses the dishwasher to dry dishes after cleaning them. No one. That’s what racks are for. And towels. But she did. I’d have to mention cleaning and then well she’d get up and get started. When she did clean it was great, but eventually she stopped. She was supposed to clean the dog poop up in the backyard…that didn’t last long. So I was constantly back there doing it on my own.

Along with a bunch if other stuff…..

This weekend thus far has gone down as one to remember. I haven’t had a weekend like this in quite some time.

Well wait let me start at the beginning….this week has been pure unadulterated HELL!!!

What started out as a good week…cause ya know Monday is always one of those days…then tuesday came. we had 3 meetings at work. each one more drastic than they other. i couldn’t wait for the week to be done. i had barely gotten any sleep the previous week b/c i was at the hair shop every night just about trying to get my loc’s finished. well last week was Boule and Centennial…i got to participate in NONE of the activities. I got super sick on thursday and ended up leaving work early. I was supposed to go to two appointments friday morning (which i made…and got more meds for my cold) then i came home and drugged myself to an oblivion with orange juice and all the additionals. well come sunday i was feeling better. i was able to breathe (minus the allergies) and wasn’t hacking up brown phelgm. Continue reading →