Another weekend down. I was so busy last week, i didn’t really have time to sit and think about all that has gone wrong in my life. All i could do was keep going. I saw the therapist on Friday morning. I think I mentioned it already. Either way, she seemed okay. She didn’t feel that i have ocd…but for me…what i do every morning is out of the ordinary for me. I never was one to get up and do things the same way. I would just get up and go with the flow. I got here and all of a sudden i have to be on a schedule.
Last night was like any other. I took my lithium, dozed off about 1030, woke between 1230-0100…spent two hours trying to go back to sleep. i get up wander around the house in the dark, Tob stares at me through his cat eyes and wonders what the fuck i’m doing up and moving, especially when he was comfortable laying on me and now has no body heat. but he eventually says fuck it, closes his eyes and stretches one last time then licks his paw and goes back to sleep without me. i on the other hand, continue to wander. i blow my nose because this constant sinusitis problem i have that translates into the never ending sinus infection from hell. i realize that once again…if i’m not congested, my nose is utterly dry as hell and now i have a bloody nose. so i tack on another 30 minutes to get it to stop bleeding, then i lay back down, pull the covers over my face and pray i can get some more sleep before i have to be up.
problem is that my alarm goes off at 4 am, its usually 3 am when i lay back down. i’m sleep for maybe 45 minutes then i’m back awake, staring at the clock until the alarm sounds. then i’m trying to hit snooze to give me 10 minutes of sleep. strange how i can never go right back to sleep after i wake up, but the minute that i hit snooze, i drift off into slumber immediately.
but the biggest part of the weekend was that i didn’t have to be up at 4 am (at least not since wednesday). yet i was awake at the same time, getting up and feeling off because i didn’t have to do my routine. i had to force myself to not fix a lunch when i went into the kitchen to take my meds. i was going to get food at the conference. it was hard, so i instead fixed some snacks. even on sunday, i was awake at 4 am. staring into the darkness until the sun rose. then i attempted to go back to sleep. i lasted all of an hour and a half. then my body said no more. i got up, ran some errands, fixed lunch, came home, watched tv. i was going to go to a movie, but i just couldn’t bring myself to leave the house. but i knew that i had to leave the house, so i got up and went to look at some cars. the guy at the dealership tried to swindle me. i wasn’t having it, and he must have thought that i was a spring chicken who didn’t know anything about buying cars. well i do. and he was truly pissed when i walked out and took my business with me. had he not tried to play me, i might have bought the one i went to look at, but his loss, another dealers gain.
then i headed to see a friend. his birthday was earlier this month, and his custom order bday gift had arrived. i wanted to take it to him. bonus is that his mother is in town. so i got a home-cooked meal. we watched the world cup match, then i hurried home. even though i wanted to still go to the movies, but i didn’t. i came in and took my lithium and went to sleep. again…another restless night. i’m waiting for the night when i actually sleep through the night.
but i was up again at 4 am, sitting on the couch (as i have fallen asleep there every night this week) staring at the wall and the tv even though it was off. my knee has been bothering me as of late … just increasing in pain. but i had nothing else to do, so i decided to get out the house for a minute…well actually an hour. i went for a walk. of course not until the sun was up. then i had another errand to run, and shots to get. then i did like any other day. went shopping for the week, put my groceries away. started my budget for the next month, prepared my meals for the week, and now i’m blogging. i’m about to fix some dinner, and take my pills then try to get some rest. i feel like i’m over worked, although i haven’t done much today.