I don’t know why some days are harder than other’s to get through. Last night was rough. I came close to telling the world about me. I started, but i couldn’t finish. I sent a few people this link…but I don’t know.
I’m about ready to cut all ties with everyone i know. I figure the less friends i have the easier it will be to do what i have to do, when it comes time to do it.
People don’t understand what a struggle it is to live the way i do. to battle my demons. to tell the voices that no…today is not a good day to die.
I sat in my apartment last night, praying that a caring voice would call, but alas…none. finally i took my meds and laid my head upon my pillow and closed my eyes. i awoke around 11 pm thinking i was hearing a noise banging on my door, but when i got up to check…there was no one there. i tried to sleep, but couldn’t so i sat there in the dark for an hour. listening to my cat’s soft breathing, his moan’s as he adjusted his body wishing it was me.
i know that come tomorrow i’ll be a different person once i step across the threshold of the NAS, because i have to be. i have a job to do. But for now. i just sit and stare. i dont know who to call except the helpline, but what could they really tell me? it’s going to be okay? would you like us to send someone to you? I just need the summer to hurry and be over. Hell right now…i just need Wednesday to get here. So i can see this ortho doc and tell him, I want the surgery to fix my knee. perhaps if i wasn’t in pain, i’d feel different. but then again, who knows. for now…its back to my ocd routine. preparing my meal for the week, and then getting ready to take my pills and lay down. i would like to sleep in my bed, but i have a pile of clothes i still didn’t buy hangers for. and i’m beyond the point of leaving the house again today. so maybe i’ll try again tomorrow.