As a person that suffer’s from Bipolar Disease, I have learned to cope with it and deal with it. As life drags on, I’ve learned that I have to learn to control my illness and not let it work against me. So after all of these months and years of being severely diagnosed, I think that I came to the conclusion of my end all root cause.
My ex.
Yes, the ex that i was engaged to for a year and change, that i stayed with even when I knew i didn’t love her anymore. Perhaps that was the problem, i was with someone i didn’t love. But not that i didn’t have good reason, hell she gave me plenty reason to not love her. But in the end the traits she displayed made it all make sense.
But no dwelling on that. Let’s think about the positive. Better yet….let’s reflect.
Here’s a fb entry that I did on May 29, 2014:
They say that God speaks to you in mysterious ways and that s/he never puts more on you than you can withstand. This morning I got to looking at my bank accounts after getting some very disturbing news from home about future finances. I’ve never been a very highly religious person (truthfully I still ain’t one) but I’ve done some re-arranging about what gets paid when and where. How much gets paid to whom so that everything I owe is still current and stays in good standing (I refuse to let go of my 700+ credit score) and with the way I’ve got things set up to include food and gas for the next 3 months, I should actually break even in July and end up with a surplus (no matter how small) of cash to include additional savings for two new emergency accounts as backups. I’m feeling a major relief off my shoulders as I know things are going to work out.
I also know that my health and status with the VA is going to change (I feel another increase is coming) which will lead to further blessings by (predicting time frame here) Oct/Nov. Then only again in Jan shall I be blessed with my automatic promotion to add an additional 10K to my annual salary.
I’m starting to feel optimistic about my future and the plans for it. May even be able to a cruise next year or just take an actual vacation. Not feeling as pressed now as I have been.
Feels good knowing that soon I can stop stressing over financial burdens and do what I have wanted to do for the longest and be able to just live my life.
Now let’s look at what i’ve done since then…
I broke up with her that night before, I immediately felt so much better about my life. I tried to remain cordial to her for the sake of my home and my credit. I worked at un-assing our lives from being intertwined. I blocked her on my instagram, she was never on my Facebook account, so that was simple. I blocked her on twitter. That was it to social media. I didn’t block her number b/c we still needed to communicate when it came down to the car and my home. I started posting more photos of me being happy. Smiling. My co-workers could tell the difference. I had a bit of pep in my step. I kept the option open of potentially getting back together. I just needed to work on me. It felt like so much of me had disappeared. And it was true, I was trying to force happiness where it didn’t belong. I have since learned…happiness can’t be forced.
Now fast forward a couple of months to my birthday month. After I caught her in a major lie, I came home and put my foot down. I put her out of my house. After I surveied the damage, I became utterly disgusted. I couldn’t believe I had let it get that bad. I started to hate myself once again for letting it get so bad. I fell into another depression. I began to freak out about bills, how they would get paid, where would I find the money, etc etc. I was a nervous wreck. It started to show at work, so I did what any normal person would do. I found a way to cope. I got back on my meds, I saw more professionals and got my life back on track. I opened myself up to life without her. It felt great. I flew my sister and nephew to see me for a weekend. We toured DC like I had never seen it before. Then I jumped back into my work like it had never been done before. I wanted a fresh start. I began to talk to my therapist more, I talked more to my best friend. I needed a getaway, she had that for me. I flew out the next month to see her for a week. a much needed week off. Though I didn’t relax as much as I thought that I would, I did as much as I could. I climbed mountains, I hiked, I slept. I slept a lot!! But I came back to DC feeling refreshed. But it was still there that I needed to get back to NC, to my now empty house.
I was tired of paying 1K for rent and having nothing to show for it but a crappy apartment that wasn’t even mine. I put in a call/email to an old classmate from a training. I did what needed to be done. I interviewed, I got the job, then I moved.
Back home…to NC. to my home, my house, where I would only need to pay my mortgage and bills. I was done with DC living. Sure, I’ll go back one day. But for right now, I’m happy in my home. I’ve still got a long way to go but i’m getting closer each and every day to finishing it up. So I moved back to NC and started the long process of cleansing my soul. I’m not a religious person, but being home did a lot for me. I was able to get a good cleaning on my house. It finally felt clean after all that time. I had to go out and buy a lot of new things (blanket sets, vacuum cleaner, lawnmower, and many numerous other things), but it’s like a fresh start. Sure it sucks I had to spend so much money to start with but its getting where it was 4 years ago when I moved in.
I’m still painting after all this time. It took me a while to find the colors I wanted, but I have them now. I’m getting it done. The last room that will be painted is my office. It’s my domain and where I spend most of my time. I don’t know how or when I will get it done, but the last thing that will be done is my floors. I’ve got so many stains from her dogs. I don’t know if they are piss stains, throw up or what not, but the carpet has to go. I have to get the air vents cleaned out and I have a lot of other things that need to be done. But I’m confident that by the end of this year, I will have my house in order. I will be completely free of my ex, and I will be happy.
If anything has come of this, I have found the perfect woman. She has been under my nose the whole time. She loves me unconditionally and will stop at nothing to make me happy.
As of now (May 31, 2015), I’ve only had maybe 4 episodes in the last 6 months, each lasting about 3-4 days. My medication is on point. Now if only I can get my mind to slow down at night when it’s time to sleep.