In one month I will be turning 35. I’m coming to terms with who I am, who I will be and what I may become. Those of you who remained after my big chop of “friends & associates” was for a good reason. Something about you makes me feel whole at times. My life has been a complete downward spiral at times and other times it’s been upward.
At some point in my life we have crossed paths and it has only been for good, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. Some folks are on my other facebook page so there wasn’t a need to be on both. I keep my circle very small, b/c I honestly have trust issues. I don’t trust very easily, very much, or at all. But for some reasons I trust each and every one of you. Whether it be a lot (like with my life) or a little, but I have some trust in you. For me and what I’m about to say, this means a lot.
I’ve had a pretty down weekend. Some of you know this, most of you don’t. I get depressed a lot. I’ve been battling this since 2001. Now many of you who know me will say you never saw it, or I don’t show it. Well after all this time I think I’ve gotten pretty damn good at hiding it. But hiding it has made things worse in the last two years. It’s put me at a point in my life several times, where I felt there was only one clear way out. Thankfully I had someone there to talk me out of it, to hold my hand as I sought treatment, to be those kind words I needed to hear when I felt like the whole world had given up on me.
This past weekend was especially bad, I tried so hard to reach out to the one person I could, but he wasn’t feeling any better than i. So when i got home…the thought was on my mind….instead of letting it consume me, i took my meds and went to sleep. i listened to music as i slept to drown out the voices. i saw him the next day, which made them go away. i felt a little higher in spirits cause the hug he gave me before we parted let me know that things are going to be okay as long as i have him.
I’m opening myself up b/c I can’t do this alone. I’ve tried numerous times, over and over again. It only leads to me staring at a wall with tears streaming down my face contemplating that choice again.
I was diagnosed in 2001 with manic-depressive bipolar disorder. I’ve read what I can on it. I’ve been on numerous different meds, but most of all I’m still here. Fighting every day to just wake up and live a normal life. It’s bad enough being this way but to be an introvert on top of it, makes it way worse than it should be.
Being alone up here in DC is hard. I’m away from everyone I’ve known, I don’t get out much b/c meeting new people is hard but I try. Right now I have my doctors, my co-workers, & Peter Cottontail here. Long distance the two people I call on the most, Bugs Bunny my long distance therapist & friend, and Elmer Fudd my twin who just gets me and understands.
One thing I have learned over the years that helps me cope is writing. So since I’ve been here it was suggested I start it again. I won’t make an apologies b/c it allows me to get my full range of thoughts out into the open without them driving me crazy.
If you chose to unfriend me, it’s understandable. But this is me. Underneath the person you have known all these years, this is the broken side you all have never seen.
www. Bipolarbearthoughts.com
I’m off to bed now b/c somehow I have to shove this weekend’s depression into a bottle so I can be somewhat alert at work this week.