This has been a hard weekend. Last year I was surrounded by people who cared about me. This year I was pretty much alone with my thoughts, the voices, and everything that holds me back. Life is just hard right now. I feel like taking this job and moving was a serious mistake. I lost a friend of 10+ years b/c of some lies told to her that she automatically believed instead of hearing my side of the story. Lost a few more friends prolly cause I’m a third/fifth/seventh wheel. I just don’t feel good about being here.
I feel as though the world at times is closing in on me. The four walls are pressing closer.
What makes it even worse is if I was to disappear and never be seen alive again…folks would play the sympathy card…they would jump up and down in a frenzy and be like oh I knew her. I don’t know why she would ever do something like that. She was loved by everyone. She could have came and talked to me. She could have called me. I never knew she was going through all of that or this. If only I had been a better friend. Why didn’t I see the signs.
Then it breaks down into how date she take her life! How could she not reach out to us?
When the reality is that I have reached out to you all. I have made attempts but they have all gone and fallen on deaf ears.
One thing I don’t want is to hospitalized. When and if my disease gets to the point I can’t handle it then fine I’ll take that step on my own. But for now…I’m dealing. I don’t want to ruin my chances at living a life on my own accord, I don’t want to have to have people down my neck 24-7 and be medicated just to get through the day.
The medication I take now is already enough to make me a zombie for 15 hours a day and then to half sleep the remaining 9 hours if I can.
I’ve been a zombie most of today, and well it’s almost over. Then tomorrow will start and I’ll be a zombie all over again
So here’s to being half doped outta my motherfuckin’ mind