So I was going to blog about something serious to me…but I think it’s best to talk about my progress.
If you been following this blog and my progress since I started it, then you might be aware that I just recently went on vacation. It was the first vacation I’ve been on since 2007. That was the last time I felt “healthy” enough to get away. Well this time I never felt healthy, but thought that if I got away I would feel better upon my return.
Well I was wrong. I actually feel worse now that I’m back. I should feel some gracious type of love as my cat has not left my side since I walked through the door with my bags. He saw me and his love tank was instantly full. Mine was full for about the first 30 minutes then all his meowing and rubbing got old. It drained even more that evening when he proceeded to meow and paw at me every other hour as if to check and be sure I was alive and actually home.
Then it was followed the next day by the same thing all day long. And again today since I have been home from work.
But back to my progress….my vacation started out great. I got to Cali and my wifey SS picked me up at the airport (well not so great cause I spent 13 hours in the airport – precious blog talks about it) and gave me what had to be THE best hug I’ve gotten in at least a year. We then laughed and giggled all the way back to her place.
We picked up her gf, and headed to dinner. We then came back and I promptly passed out on the couch bed b/c it was almost 2 am on the west coast translating to damn near 5 am on the east coast. So I had been up already 24+ hours. Well the next day we were supposed to go out that evening but after a good brunch with SS and then some shopping, then dinner I was still on east coast time. We came back to relax, I was laying with my head next to her lap talking to her one minute and snoring the next.
After this is when I realized that I wasn’t feeling as happy as I should have been. We talked about it on Sunday and she gave me some pointers to cheer up. I tried…I did. We went to the amusement park that day. My energy tank was over flowing with excitement. I pushed the negative thoughts behind me and pushed on. I had fun and enjoyed myself, then as the day ran on, more kids seemed to appear and my patience got tested. My energy was draining down quickly. While they wanted to do more, I sulked along not being interested in anything else anymore. I hide it though, but she could tell by the look on my face when kids came near that it was time to go. We passed on dinner b/c of the numerous families with multiple children heading into the restaurant. It was a silent ride back to her place an hour away. She slept, her gf drove and I sat in the rear reading a book and recharging. Back to her place I again crashed …. 10 hours in the sun when you barely spend 2 hours a day in it wears an introvert like me out.
The next morning I awoke with a migraine. I didn’t tell her b/c she would try to stuff some pills down my throat and it was bad enough that I was already heavily medicated trying to control my mood swings. I had avoided social media pretty much. No need to let the people know what fun and/or lack of I was having. So I pretty much slept the whole morning away. I was in a rut, depressed, incomplete. I didn’t know how to describe how I felt but it was in a bad place. She tried to cheer me up, took me to meet her folks. They are a cheery couple. Her pops and I talked military, her mom jumped in when she could. Then we left, I instantly got sad again. I stared out the window and wished myself to be laying in the road and having her run over me repeatedly.
Back at her place we chilled. Watched a movie and talked more about my pitiful life. How I was planning on bringing myself into solidarity once I returned. She kept telling me I needed to not be alone, b/c it would only make things worse for me. But I’m stubborn and don’t listen and she knows it.
The next three days go pretty much the same, she gets up for work, kisses me on the cheek, tells me she’ll see me later. I toss and turn for another two hours, then I get up and toss on some shorts. I go walking for at least two miles. It was a sucky ass attempt by me to clear my head. To stop the voices that had come back. They started on Tuesday, telling me to jump off the ledge of the mini-mountain I had climbed. I looked over the edge and seriously thought about it. But then my head said no not on her watch. At least wait until I get back home. Then I can have her mourn my death. The other two days, it was just mere thoughts of jumping into traffic or jumping off her 3rd story balcony. I wondered if I landed on the grill what part of me would be impaled on it. Then the thought of how she would think once they called and told her what I did. I couldn’t do that to her.
Of course one of those nights was the night I bravely finally finished the post about the dream. She came to me, watched me cry, held my hand, talked to me, held me, hugged me, rocked me. I just cried. There was nothing else left to do. We talked until my tears dried up or I had no more to cry. Friday found us at a theater. Watching the movie I was supposed to go on my date with G with. It just made me even more depressed b/c I should have been with G watching it, but alas my disorder fucked me royally. So I didn’t enjoy it. We got ice cream after, talked about her gf, my solidarity plans, and shopped a bit more. We laughed, cried, and did therapy.
Saturday, it was a long ride to lax, I sat in the back once again, staring out the window. Watching her face in the passenger window. She looked sad.almost as sad as me. I didn’t want to leave being depressed. I wanted to be happy. It was a week long vacation and I was leaving worse than when I arrived.
Now I’m sitting on my couch. I have single-handedly distanced myself from everyone here except one person. The kids father. No one else to reach out to. I don’t feel loved. Some may think I’m writing this to get pity or to have someone feel sorry for me, but nope. I really feel like everyone hates me. I have that problem. I drive everyone away from me. It’s my defense mechanism to prevent people from getting to close. B/c when I care about you, I don’t want to let you go. So when I lose a friend I cry. But if I push you away before I have a chance to care about you then it makes life easier. If you leave then great, I won’t have to worry about hurting and hiding. But if you are persistent and stay. Then I have to work overtime to keep you at a distance and not let you in my bubble of a world. Eventually I’ll make you want to leave and never speak to me again. I’ve don’t that before and will continue to do it until the day I either actually take my life or I’m killed by someone or i die of natural causes.