Today was the 4th anniversary of my best friends death. i want to write murder cause that’s what it was … a unspeakable act of murder. It wasn’t called for, they could have robbed him and left him. or hell if they had to shoot him…it could have been in the leg or the arm. not the back of the head or any other place that killed him. i could still have my friend.
i woke up around the time that it happened last night. i jumped up with a startled feeling that something was wrong. so i grabbed my phone looking frantically for messages of distress and/or emails. i checked my missed calls, i called a random movie line to ensure it was still working.
i was lost for about an hour, then finally two hours after that i was forced to drift off to sleep. but that only lasted another 30-45 minutes before i finally just gave up the hope of sleeping. i guess because i haven’t had much sleep in the last month its catching up to me. so i’ll randomly drift off while watching tv, or while reading. its worse in the am when i’m at work. don’t ask how i get through the day….i’ll tell you. an 8-ounce can of monster.
that’s right an energy drink gets me through the first 3 hours of work that i can’t wake myself up for. what’s bad is on the days that i drive…i’m alert for the drive to work…then as soon as i sit in my cubicle…its practically lights out.
but today…i wanted to be sleepy. but it was my day to be social. i got out yesterday and did an hour trek around the mall. bought some shoes that i have been needing since my feet are getting wider each day with the swelling. then i came home, ate some potatoes and passed out on the couch for a couple hours before i was awaken with thoughts of terror.
i’m proud of myself…i didn’t shed a tear. instead i looked up his obituary. found it online, but i had to spend $3.00 to get a reprint of it. it actually has a very great picture of him on it. but i got it, i printed out everything including the guest book. i know now where he is buried and hope that i can make the journey soon to visit his grave site for the first time. although i know it will be hard to do it alone, so i will have to find someone to go with me. i don’t know how strong i will be. i’m sure i’ll fall to the ground sobbing, hopefully not going into convulsions. i mean this was my best friend.
but again…i made it through the day. now i’m about to eat my dinner while alone. just me and tobie…like it always is…and the 4 walls that surround us constantly.