Well the star of the show is back. For the last two or so weeks I’ve been holding it together b/c I felt like someone needed me to be strong for them. Well I’ve since talked to them and they don’t sound as depressed as they did the week prior, so I feel like I don’t have to be as strong as I was trying to be for them any longer. Now I can go back to being just dumpy old me.
And in doing this, the bout of depression that I put off to deal with said friend has made a reappearance. Which sucks b/c this was a really great weekend. Saw a friend I haven’t seen in a year, saw another friend I haven’t seen in almost two years, got my backyard all cleaned up for some cheap labor, even started the process of trying to fix my pressure washer. Was even gonna make a trip to see another buddy I haven’t seen in like 4 years. But I never left the house today to see that friend. I didn’t even take my meds. All I wanted to do was sleep. I didn’t even workout until 2 pm. Normally I get it done early on the weekends. But nope, had zero energy to get it done today. Just sat on the couch and watched tv all day. Went to the gas station and got some movies, to Walmart to get a mop and OJ, and that was it. No energy whatsoever. I can’t get motivated to workout like was for the month of August. I was going hard in the paint, every day, nonstop, then depression happened and I lost it all. I sought out help to drop some weight via weight loss pills and got told it’s a no-go b/c of the other pills I’m on, and just took an even lower blow to my motivation train. I look at my bike and want to ride but the will isn’t there.
Now I’m depressed again. Don’t know why, just know I’m feeling down. I talk to my therapist in two days. I have to explain why I put my emotions on hold to support someone who probably wouldn’t do the same for me. B/c I care too damn much.
I gotta stop caring. It’s gonna be the death of me. But since this is just getting started maybe it’ll be over with sooner than it starts this time. At least I’m blogging my thoughts again. This helps to get things out before bed. My racing thoughts aren’t all over the place. I can relax in the bed. Or try to somewhat. But then again, I just try, I always try. It never happens.
Fuck my life. Depression is a beast. It kills. I really somedays just wish I had succeeded at 17 with my first attempt at offing myself. I imagine all the people who are confused about knowing me would be better off.
5d6ibc