Have you ever been so in love with someone that the only way to get over them was to fill yourself with so much hate and anguish that every time you thought of them it just made you so mad that you ever had feelings for them? That anytime you ever felt like those feelings were creeping back, you had to remind yourself that they were no good for you and you get mad and angry all over again and bury the feelings again. That you stomp on them until they are black and blue treating them like they have a life long prison sentence in a jail cell built of brick at the back of your mind never to be let out, not even on good behavior because the moment it ever sees the light of day, or breaks free of it’s cell…they will most likely come flooding back like hurricane Katrina did New Orleans and no dam built will hold it back. So you depend on this hate and anger to flow through you, to protect you, to save you from getting hurt. It guards your heart, your emotions, your feelings. But it also prevents you from letting anyone else in. B/c you don’t want to be overwhelmed with the same feelings ever again to be let down, to be told you’re not worthy, that you just aren’t the one, that you’ll never be more than a friend, that it’s me not you.
So you stir up the flames of hate, stroke the wood of anger, throw a few more logs of discontent onto the fire, and see what kind of burning evil you can get to pulse through your veins where love once ran. You look in the mirror and wonder did those words you hear become the reason that your once warm blood flow turn ice cold? Were they the reason why you suddenly just don’t give a fuxk most of the time? You feel as though you could live in Antarctica with how cold your heart has become towards the emotion called love.
Is this such a bad thing? At least now you know where you stand. Single, ice cold, alone, evil, unlovable, unwanted, friendzoned.
But hey, least I got my bike to workout with. So until it breaks, I can channel all this pessimism into my workouts and maybe attempt to look good. B/c it’s not like folks are beating down my door anyways for being under average ole me. B/c I’m not stupid model hot, and folks don’t immediately notice when I walk into a room. So below average looks it is. I’m okay with that I guess. You know I wouldn’t be cheating. I can barely get one person to set eyes on me let alone two.
It’s too early but my these are my dreams/thoughts from last night. Bonus hand…depression episode is breaking now that more stuff is getting off my chest. I need to go back to blogging and putting my thoughts into web space. Getting it out of my head instead of letting it fester like a dead rat.